I cannot find my penis.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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