you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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