This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
