My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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