Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
