I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
