my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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