So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
