my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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