Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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