I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
