My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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