you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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