chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
pray to the hookup gods
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
