I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
