Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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