I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
