I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
