Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
