Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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