Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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