Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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