Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
