i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
