you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
