At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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