I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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