paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
