is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
