she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
