Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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