So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
