are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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