Your mouth is God's brothel.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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