Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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