So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
