im drinking this country out of the recession.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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