you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
