I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
