i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
