Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
