That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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