I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sext me about skeletons
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
