You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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