I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
