Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
