Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
