my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
