the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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