Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
